Looking Back. Looking Ahead.

In four weeks my "baby" will be 1 year old.  This last year seems like such a blur, for various reasons.  That thing called "life" happened, I blinked, and here I am.
Now, 10 months ago time was crawling, my exhaustion had gotten the best of me, the 5-6 hours of screaming drove Michael and I nearly mad, and I honestly didn't think I would survive.
Here I am in the present, I'm sitting on my sofa at the moment and if I glance to my left I have a flashback of myself (or Michael, depending on whose turn it was) sleeping on the sofa with a tiny baby Blake laying in front in the baby swing, rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm an unhappy infant.  At 3 in the morning, of course.  In front of me there was once a permanent home for the blue yoga ball, that rested between the television and the bookshelf when it wasn't being used bouncing Blake for 5 hours a day. (No, I'm not exaggerating.)  That yoga ball is now deflated upstairs laying in a closet, collecting dust.
Friends assured me "this too shall pass".
And it did.  I totally didn't believe you guys at the time, because I couldn't see past the 5 minutes that were slithering by. Hey, WE MADE IT!
Michael and I were reminiscing (hm, probably wrong word usage…)…recalling that hardship and were honestly smiling that we'd come out of it. And we didn't kill each other! (Oh, you other first time parents know what I mean.)  These days, we have our strong marriage back, just like before Blake came along.  Thankfully! Yes, we made it. The 3 of us. Together.


Today we have a happy boy in our midst. He seriously smiles and laughs all the time!  He's standing on his own and is just so close to walking.  In 3 weeks he will be transitioning to the toddler room in daycare, which his teachers tell me is a good thing because they say he's getting very bored in his infant room and is not interested in the other "infant" children, or the toys.  He spends his days rearranging the classroom by pushing baby cribs around, doing somersaults over furniture, pushing the walker around the room, and dancing to the music.  He isn't mean at all to other children, but also doesn't want much to do with them.
At home he loves to walk around the house with mommy and daddy (hand holding), climb up the stairs (with our supervision of course), and is very interested in all the cool, shiny things on daddy's police uniform.  Books are his "toys" of choice, or any thing that he can push around.  Changing his clothes or diaper means WWIII is happening in our house. I've tried everything, but you would think I am burning my kid with acid diapers when changing him! Oy.
Bathtime is a favorite, though he is learning a lesson of not to stand in the tub.  This came across quite clear yesterday when I gave him 3 chances where he stood and I plopped him back down explaining no, and by the 4th time he stood bath time was over and he lost his play time.  (Oh, I'm such a mean mommy….)
His favorite foods are bananas and cheese.
Least favorite foods are carrots, mangos and beans.
He's crazy about food and I'm convinced he'd probably eat the whole refrigerator if we let him.  Yet, he's in the average-low range for weight percentile. Funny how that works.
Tonight was the first night he had a huge dinner and went to bed without a bottle.  I knew the time was coming to transition him off his night time bottle, but tonight wasn't going to be that night.  I was going to wait.  I gave him the bottle and he refused it.  So he went to bed with a full tummy of big boy food (chicken, sweet potatoes, cheese, and apples with cinnamon), and now he's sleeping soundly in his bed.

What a difference a year makes.

Almost a year ago we had made trips to the ER due to severe projectile vomiting and full bouts of screaming from a dairy and soy allergy, and a diagnoses of GERD.

On the health end, currently, we are still on the Zantac.  Every time I back off from the medication we've had issues…spitting up, fussiness, severe cold symptoms.  His current dosage is 2.5mL twice a day, down from three times a day, so that's an improvement.
He's still on the Nutramigen formula, as we tried to make a switch but it didn't go so well.  Allergy in full swing.
I'm convinced Blake still has a dairy allergy, but he can seem to handle dairy in moderation.  If he's given too much dairy consecutively with meals, or days then he breaks out in hives or suddenly develops severe cold-like symptoms.  I'm assuming it's the dairy as it's been the constant.
I also believe he has a tomato allergy but I can't confirm this.

Two weeks ago we had a lovely battle with Hand, Food, and Mouth. After an initial wrong diagnoses from the doctor,  we had to go back for a second visit because daycare wouldnt let him return until we got the all-clear.  Second visit, different doctor, confirmed Hand, Foot, and Mouth.  It was something I'd suspected but dismissed after we were told no the first time, being told it was a severe food allergy.  Eh, it happens. Boy does it take a long time for those bumps to go away! He's still got leftover bumps on his legs.

So, back to the one year mark.  That means his first birthday party! We aren't doing anything extravagant.  I can't justify shelling out a ton of money on a birthday that he isn't going to remember.  (Not that there's anything wrong with those who do it.  I've been to some awesome 1st birthday parties, it's just not what we want to do personally.) We are having close friends and family over for a little get together to celebrate our little guy.  I do look forward to the day when he's old enough to really enjoy the time!

Blake is definitely at my favorite age so far, minus the diaper and clothes changing sessions, but I can deal.  This stage kinda makes me long for another one.  Having been raised an only child, I always wanted another sibling to play with.  So many of our friends have more than one and I see how cute they are together and I want that for us.  Well, truthfully I go back and forth on it. I mean, I have my days. But, for the most part I'm all in.  My husband isn't so much just because of what happened during my delivery. (Rather than retell, you can read about it here.)
He told me that if I went to my doctor and had a conversation about the likelihood of it all happening again then he would consider it.  Michael and I have talked about a 2nd child extensively and it boils down to the fact that he says he's afraid he'll lose me.  My argument was that this isn't the 1900's anymore and medicine has advanced.  His rebuttal: "Right, but if it WAS the 1900s you would've died."  To him, that's all he can think about.  Stubborn, that man. I feel like I can't argue because he's genuinely worried.
I visited my doctor last week to ask her if it could all happen again.
Her short answer was that it could, or it couldn't.  She said it's hard to know because in her 25 years of being an OBGYN she's only had 5 cases of this happen, with me being one of them.  If I were to get pregnant again I would immediately be placed on the high risk pregnancy radar and would have weekly appointments from the beginning to monitor.  They would have the blood transfusion ready at delivery, which wasn't ready last time since no one knew. Next time could result in a full hysterectomy after delivery if things go the same way or worse.
As a recap, everything that happened was caused from fibroids, placental abruption, placenta accrete, and my cervix ripping.
In two weeks I have an appointment for an ultrasound to see if the fibroids are still there and if there will need to be any extra steps beyond that.
After returning home and giving Michael the doctor recap, well, his mind didn't really change about having a 2nd child.

Pretty certain Blake is going to be an only child.  Nothing wrong with that. I can certainly respect Michael's reasoning.  My doctor was very understanding of Michael's feelings and said she understood him not wanting to have more, but said she would take every precaution if we changed our minds.

Who knows what the future holds.
On one hand, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't saddened that this may be it for us.  As it stands, I have all my woman parts in tact and there's always the possibility for more. To me that just means something. But if we have another and she has to do a full hysterectomy then that's it. The 3rd possibility is out.  Not that I'm saying I want a 3rd, but there's just something about that being taken away from you and feeling like that's your end. Like someone dangling a candy bar in your face. You don't really want it because you're full, but the moment the candy bar is snatched from your sight then you're suddenly hungry for it.
At least at the present I still feel like that inkling of the big family I used to want is still a twinkle just because all the parts are there…

On another hand, I don't know how I'd do it with a 2nd (or 3rd) child because I'm constantly juggling.  And just when I feel like I've caught up on everything I need to catch up on (laundry, dishes, answering emails, Master's degree shenanigans, lesson plans, photography editing) I stand in a corner and juggle air because these days I'm so used to going, going, going, that I don't know what to do with myself when I've caught up. (But, yes, here I am writing a blog entry. This has been my only downtime in weeks.  And I'm drinking coffee writing this. At 10:00 at night.  Oooops.  So much for catching up on sleep! HA!) Of course times are rare that I'm caught up on chores, or sleep, or life.
Translation: I need a rest.

Oh but that is SO a different blog entry!

In closing, the year has flown. Life is so different. Things went from
Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant. How did that happen? (Duh!)
to
Pregnancy is the best!
to
This is the hardest thing EVER
to
This is still the hardest thing EVER. Am I going to make it?
to
Oh, mommy hood is the BEST thing EVER.
Every day is wonderful and I can't believe how much my heart grows for Blake every second.  Just when I think my heart is full, he looks at me.

Happy (almost) 1 year my sweet, smiley boy!

Little Superman: Crib Climber

Well, the title and picture speak for themselves.  This picture was taken as Blake was playing in his Pack 'N Play though this is not where the "crib climbing" actually happened.  This picture was just evidence to show my husband after the "incident."
I laid Blake down for his 1:00 nap.  Let it be known that my child doesn't take naps, and when he does they are often between 20 and 30 minutes long, normally.  I keep the baby monitor close by and put the screen in sleep mode, so just the sound is going, as the video portion runs down the battery.  At 1:30 I turned the screen back on to check on him because the fact that his nap had gone over 20 minutes was surprising. I wanted to view for myself that he was still there. HA. You moms know what I'm talking about.  I can't be the only one who checks the video just to be sure my kid hasn't suddenly disappeared.
Picture the panic that struck me when I turned on the monitor and saw nothing but feet dangling in the corner of my 3 inch screen. I took a second look, threw down the monitor on the sofa (not just dropped, THREW, as if that was going to get me to move any faster), raced across the living room and kitchen, started up the stairs nearly ripping the baby gate off the wall, stomped my way through the loft and flew into Blake's room to find his stomach draped over the rails, feet dancing parallel to the crib, and his face staring at the floor, just moments away from falling over. Was he scared? Was he crying? No. He was laughing! I scooped him up and rocked him in my arms as my heart was still racing from a mixture of adrenalin and breathlessness. I can't tell you the time that passed between me throwing down the baby monitor and me holding Blake, but I feel like I couldn't reach him fast enough.  Like a nightmare in slow motion, many thoughts went through my head during my sprint.  I braced myself for the thud I was sure I was about to hear.  So many thoughts ran through me "What do I do if I go in and he's fallen over? Call 911 right away? Wait to see if he's okay?  Oh, I left my phone downstairs. Dear God, please let him be okay." [barge into his room] "AGH! He's about to fa……..why is my kid laughing?" Commence sighs of relief, lots of baby cuddling, pure confusion over the whole situation, baby lecture (yes, to my 10 month old), bed inspection (how did he manage this?), and my final words as Blake stared at me and slapped his hands on my face (his favorite thing to do now) "Oh, you're going to be just like your daddy." Translation: Troublemaker. Mischievous. Adventurer. (Thank you to my in-laws for all the young Michael stories. We are in for it!)

Unsure of what to do about this and afraid it may happen again, I phoned some mommy friends for advice.  Naturally I think the next step from this is toddler bed but at 10 months he's no where near being a toddler.  Hence my uncertainty on how to handle this when his mattress is already on the lowest setting. All were a little surprised that he was trying to (almost successfully) climb out of his crib at 10 months old.  Here's some advice I received from friends and Google.

• Take the bumpers out, in case he used those as stairs. 
• Take any toys out of the crib so he can't climb on them to gain height.
• Put him in a toddler bed.
• Put a mattress on the floor. 
• Try to keep an eye on him and lightly discipline him when he tries to climb over by telling him no.
• Crib tent.

For now I decided to try taking the bumpers out.  I'm a little uncomfortable with doing this simply because he thrashes around at night and I'm nervous he's going to hit his head. Though, as a friend pointed out, hitting his head on the rail is better than him falling out of the crib and hitting it on the floor. We will see how things go tonight and in the morning.  Not sure I'm going to get much sleep tonight though! I did some research on the crib tents and saw a lot of safety hazards. Safety Research & Strategies , INC.

I'm hoping this was just an isolated incident, however, judging by increased mobility these past few days I feel as if he's interested in feeling out the gravitational pull from crib to floor…more than once!

After this crib incident, we spent some time playing together in the living room and he decided to try his hand at pushing around a box across the floor….WALKING. Ay-yi-yi.

It's all happening too fast! 

I will GLADLY take suggestions from anyone who can help me out. Unfortunately when I googled "10 month old crawling out of crib" there just wasn't a lot available. I guess this is most common in children over 12 months?  I don't know.  

I feel so lost on how to keep him safe! 

Social Media #SoulSucker

"Nothing is more powerful than beauty in a wicked world."  

Wise lyrics from singer/songwriter Amos Lee's song Soul Suckers.

We live in a society that is desperate for approval. For attention.  For someone to accept us and tell us we are good, worthy, beautiful. Someone to LIKE us. Someone to COMMENT on us. Someone to MESSAGE us.


Enter social media. Enter Facebook, where, generally, everyone's lives seem rosy, beautiful, perfect, content. Happy babies. Nice house. Solid job. Emotionally stable. Everyone wants to portray the good because that's what people want to hear or see.  That's what gets the most Likes, right?

"Nobody wants honesty when looking through a perfect frame. Play the game"

Amos Lee-Soul Suckers

Have you ever thought about how much time you spend perusing your cell phone, specifically social media apps like Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram? I shudder to think how much time I spend doing this. Now that I'm a mom I'm all too aware of the amount of  time I'm wasting checking my newsfeed, or the latest Likes or Messages I've received.  I'm aware, but I still do nothing about it.  The idea of having such simple communication with practically everyone we know at our fingertips is just too enticing an idea.  A quick 1 minute of our time can catch us up on what's going on with a friend half way around the world, or allow us to see photos of a baby born 10 minutes ago.  It's pretty amazing when you think about it. The power of technology. The immediacy of information available to us.
This information isn't a bad thing. It's not unfair that it's out there, floating around in cyberspace.  We just need to be mindful of how we're using it and how often.  Our lives need us. Facebook does not.
It's unfair to blame technology for the dependency that we have on it.  It's like blaming the coffee pot for making too hot of coffee. (McDonald's excluded.) Or blaming the scissors when you cut your finger while clipping coupons (ahem).  Or blaming…okay, well, I won't go off on a political tangent with THAT one.  But if you know me then you know what I was going to say.
Anyway.
We make our own conscious decisions. An article dated last year from Biz Journal says the average Facebook user checks their account about 14 times a day, spending an average of half an hour a day on FB. (http://www.bizjournals.com/pacific/blog/morning_call/2013/03/how-much-time-do-you-really-spend-on.html)
In half an hour we can read books to our kids. Make a phone call to a friend or family member. Write a note, because that's more personable anyway, write a to-do list, scratch off things from that to-do list, prep dinner rather than order take-out, do a load of laundry, read the bible, or pray.  We're always complaining we never have enough time.  Thirty minutes a day is a precious amount of time!

It's maddening, and even depressing, to realize how dependent our society has become on social media. Myself not excluded from this. I don't seek to blame anyone without pointing the finger at myself as well.
 Selfies are not a new phenomenon.  We've been taking selfless for years, with disposable cameras and polaroids.  The word "selfie" itself is a selfish noun referred to one who exclusively takes a photo to upload it to social media.  Urban Dictionary says:

A picture taken of yourself that is planned to be uploaded to Facebook, Myspace or any other sort of social networking website. You can usually see the person's arm holding out the camera in which case you can clearly tell that this person does not have any friends to take pictures of them so they resort to Myspace to find internet friends and post pictures of themselves, taken by themselves. A selfie is usually accompanied by a kissy face or the individual looking in a direction that is not towards the camera.

Why do people upload to social media? Because we beg for attention and approval of others for these self images.  The number of Likes or Comments seems to be behind an idea of self worth, value, and beauty.  Everything we do on social media is an act of self promotion.  Just as you would market a product, we are living in an age of marketing ourselves, and yes, even our children.  I'm just as guilty.  Just like every other mom, I think my kid is the cutest and I want to plaster his pic all over the place because I'm so proud of him.  Have we really become this society that promotes our children just to get strangers, or even friends we haven't seen in 10 years to like a photo of our child who they'll likely never meet? How many of these photos that we post do we actually get printed and framed? One day Facebook will be just a speck in the sand, and when the phenomenon of it (and another billion dollar soul sucker makes it 'round) fades away, when our iPhone dies and we curse it because we forgot to download the pics to our computer, and when our computer crashes before we could get the photos off it, we won't have those Likes to view anymore.  We won't have a photo to rub our hands against or being nostalgic to.
Just as Amos Lee sings, "nothing is more powerful than beauty in a wicked world", yes, it is a wicked world.  And we want approval from it???

With all those status updates of life going on, when were we living? I feel like I'm missing out on so much. It's my fault.
I speak from experience.  When it seems my son is content playing I find myself scrolling through my Facebook network.  Seeing that tiny world icon highlight a red number in the corner of my screen sends me on a social high.  It's addicting.  It's also draining me from living my life. It's sucking me away from living in the present, like a vacuum, drawing me into a momentary cyber world, neglecting what's in front of me.

I read a few online articles that stated the average Facebook user spends between 8-12 hours a month on the site.  TWELVE HOURS. That's more than the average person gets of sleep.  (Though certainly an amount of sleep I only dream of these days after having my son! Ahhh, may be someday…)

Sure, there are positives to all social media.  But when you look around a restaurant and see a family of 4 all with devices in their hand, you wonder why they even bothered to go out to eat at all.
Michael and I have made a rule, however, to try to make a habit of not taking out our cell phones when we're out to eat, or at the dinner table.

We've also made a strict rule that we want to limit Blake's use of technology.  But we can't just make this rule and not live by it ourselves.  We have to be the models.

Today I announced my month long hiatus from Facebook, posted with the hashtag #lifesucker. (I used a hashtag on Facebook for this special occasion.  Hashtags on Facebook are normally something I'm mocking.)
I've been threatening to do this for quite some time and finally took the plunge thanks to a few other friends who have coincidentally decide to do the same.

Here's my promise to Facebook friends and myself as I journey into this month long adventure away.
1) I promise to call or text you to see how you're doing, rather than scrolling through my newsfeed to catch up on you, never liking or commenting on your pics or status updates.
For this next month, I will PERSONALLY be in touch with you.  The old fashioned way. (Ish. I don't guess texting is old fashioned…)
2) …interruption…don't you ever wonder why some people have Facebook at all? They never post, never like anything, never comment on anything, you know they have an account, but you wonder if they ever log on…then one day they say "Oh yes. I saw that you posted that" and you feel a little creeped out at their stalkerish behavior.  That hasn't happened to you? Please, skip to number 3.
3) If you're one of those people, I'm sorry.  I love you.
4) I promise to TALK to you if I see you in the store, rather than pretend I didn't see you.  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
5) I promise to pray for you.  Pray that you decide to put the phone down once in a while and spend more time watching and engaging in the world around you.
6) I will spend more time in the Word of God.
7) I will read books.
8) I will enjoy more quality time with my family.
9) I will inspire others to try to do the same.

With the ALS challenge being so successful, I imagine we are now going to see an influx of "challenges" circling Facebook that will involve and dare us to contribute to various organizations and causes.  It's coming. I'm not going to nominate anyone or judge anyone.  But I do challenge you to, not necessarily take a month long hiatus, but to make a PLEDGE to yourself and for your family to simply live.
Just be there.  In the present. Facebook can wait.

Don't let Facebook be your #soulsucker.

#positivemovement #pledgetolive

Christmas In July: A Christmas List

I like to begin my Christmas shopping early in the year, usually around July.  This is so our family doesn't end up spending a large amount of money at one time trying to last minute shop.  Spreading it out over five months has worked well for us financially the past few years.
This will be our first Christmas with Blake. Actually, let me rephrase--this will be our first Christmas actually celebrating with Blake in a big way.  (Due to my pregnancy and delivery, we didn't do much for Christmas last year.  By the time Christmas came around I had just healed well enough to enjoy the time.  Shopping was never in the cards for me.  You can read my SPECIAL Delivery post here.)

I've thought a lot about what to get Blake for his first (to us) big Christmas. He'll be 1 year, 2 months and I really think he's going to be old enough to get excited!  I've studied him to find out what he truly likes, and I've done some research on the best developmental toys for kids.  After research (what did we ever do without Google?), it seems the best toys appropriate for a 1 year old are things like blocks, books, nesting dolls, toy cell phones, shape sorters, push toys, and generally anything that's loud (and annoying).

I try my best to be hands off when he's playing, to allow him to explore things on his own and to figure how how to operate what ever he's playing with.  He's very curious, as I imagine most children are.  To begin, he's wracked up a pretty good amount of toys thanks to gifts from others.  You know, everybody loves a new baby in the family, and loves to spoil them! If there's one thing I've noticed about Blake, it's that he's just not that in to toys.  Maybe this is normal?  He plays with something for about 2.5 seconds, and will then scurry off to find something that is assuredly a non-toy item but quickly becomes one when he gets his hands on it.  Or, until mommy pulls him away.

I kind of feel like I don't want to spend the money on the toys that he's not really going to enjoy, at the moment at least.  Besides, he already has the aforementioned "1 year-age-approproate-toys".  I'm certain I could donate 98% of what he has and he'd never miss them.  Books, now, that's a different story. Kid looooooves his books! I had the shelves in his room arranged where the books were on the bottom and the toys on top and he would ALWAYS crawl to the books.  So, I mixed it up and switched the books to the top and placed the toys on bottom. What did he do?  Lifted himself up to the books, never giving the toys the time of day.  I've tried pulling the toys out for him and scattering them along the floor. Nope.

I can't just get him books for Christmas.  Soooooooooo, there are many other things that he WILL play with.  They just aren't the traditional baby play items. 

Enter.

Blake's 2014 Christmas Shopping List
1) Books.  I can't deprive him of something new that he clearly loves so much. 

2) His very own dog bowl.  Why not?  I cannot put him on the floor in the living room without him crawling to the kitchen to get Elway's bowl.  I even put both dog bowls on the counter one day and he plopped himself on the floor and just STARED up at them, like he was in a trance! All he does is push the bowls around the kitchen and has himself a jolly time.

3) Empty (Target) diaper box.  I'm pretty amazed at how entertained he is by "the box."  He flips it over. Puts his head in it. Scoots it up and down the hallway. And of course chews on the flaps.  This is a great gift because it's a 2 for 1 for me.  I buy diapers AND get a gift out of it. 

4) Laser light.  Come on, have you ever seen a kid chasing the red light on the floor?  HILARIOUS.  Like a cat! (Is that mean?) So fun for them, entertaining for you. It's a win, win! (Not recommending giving a child the light.  Parent operator of course.)

5) Wallet with a lot of random pieces of paper/old cards stuffed in them.  I know my kid isn't the only one who "tries to pay" when I'm checking out at the store. 

6) Keys. REAL keys. Toy keys just don't do it.  He could care less about the bright colored nubby toy keys that make fake car sounds. Do these toy companies really think the kids don't SEE and TASTE the difference? And, you know, my kid's pretty much a genius so OF COURSE he can tell the two a part.

7) Knob wall. I'm going to have my husband buy a large board at Lowe's and screw in a bunch of random knobs and pulls all over it. Blake can tug, pull, and twist these all day long without me telling him no, or being blocked my safety pulls.

8) Blake Shelton for the day.  Oh wait, that's for me……..

9) No, #8) His very own Blake Shelton play list. We have an iHome in his bedroom to play music, and seriously, Blake Shelton does calm him down most times.

9) A life-sized stuffed animal of Elway. I say this because Blake is in love and fascinated with Elway, but Elway is not fond of him.  Not that he's aggressive in any way toward him, he just tries to stay away from him and quickly moves away when Blake tries to pet or cuddle him. Despite, little many loves his big puppy!

10) Ten more sleep sheeps, because if anything ever happens to this sheep sleep I'm not sure Blake could make it through the night. We need back-ups!

11) Jewelry.  Not to wear. Yes, I know he's a boy.  He's always grabbing at mine so maybe having his own sparklies will stop this. Think so?  Naaaah. (We'll skip this one. My husband would kill me anyway)
Let's try this again…

11) Remote control. Again, a REAL remote control. Not some toy version that doesn't actually look any thing like the real thing!

12) A pair of new, clean shoes that he never crawls on or walks on, but is only to be worn on occasions when he wants to chew on the shoes he's wearing.  So, when I see him grabbing his foot and trying to chew on any shoe, I can quickly switch them out for the pair that is not dripping in grossness.  (Note: I'm pretty laid back when it comes to germ exposure, but the bottom of a shoe is just too much for me. ICK.)

13) Mommy's face on a stick. To be used by any one who will be holding or taking care of him when I'm out of the room or building. If you are my child's Sunday school teacher or daycare worker then you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! He's in mommy-attachment mode right now.  STEER CLEAR!  Your only hope is face on a stick.

14) "Apples and Bananas" song on repeat any time I want to watch him smile and giggle.  He's so happy when I sing this to him!  Anyone have a recording studio I could use for the day to record my first single?

15) Singing lessons for mommy for the above mentioned.  This sounds like it's a "ME" gift, but TRUST ME, it's assuredly for Blake.  Have you HEARD me sing???

16) A face. Yes, that's what I said.  Mannequin face? Something he can scratch, claw, pull on the nose, and lick all day long. (And every once in a while, spit up on, too.)

17) An iPhone-that-isn't-really-an-iPhone-but-looks-EXACTLY-like-one….but it's a toy. I know this doesn't exist. I bought him a Fisher Price TOY that resembles an iPhone and he doesn't want much to do with it.  Sigh. 

18) And last, but certainly never least, a daddy-clone. Or a life sized poster of daddy will do.  May be we can get one of those Fat Head ones.  He has to work a lot, and now that he's on nights, we don't get to see him much. I know Mr. B misses his Papa. 

With it nearing August and school beginning just around the corner (And every teacher just *sighed*), I better get a move on with this Christmas list. 
I'll take some help with numbers 5-wallet (for a money donation, of course. To his, um, college fund), 6-keys (one way to get a real set of keys is to get a new car, after all), 8-BLAKE SHELTON (Blake Shelton hook-ups anyone [no pun intended]), 9-Life size Elway (Taxidermy? JUST KIDDING! I LOVE YOU ELWAY!), 11-jewelry (Do I really need to say anything here? Suuuuure, I'll give it to Blake), and 15-recording studio (studio? guitar player? And someone who could enhance my lovely vocals. I'd like to sound like Celine Dion).

Ho, Ho, Ho!

Wishing On Easy: A Mommy Moment

I've wrestled a lot with this post. How to begin. What exactly to write. What to say. What to admit. What not to mention. I've sat at my computer for 2 days wanting so badly to just get it out.

Then, I was encouraged by a supportive and lovely group of moms on a Facebook group that I'm a member of after I said this:

I hope I'm not the only mom who on somedays just wishes she wasn't a mom….There are days I just wish things could go back to easy.


Easy. Is anything easy any more? Marriage, work, school, buying a house. Heck, even picking out my clothes every morning isn't easy. (Personal problem. I'm indecisive.) Simply, life isn't easy. Raising a child definitely isn't easy, and it wasn't meant to be. I get it. With all the added "life" pressure, raising a child can sometimes send one over their threshold. Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I think Blake is teething. Or he has a cold. Or both. Kids get sick, and it happens. My child isn't the only one, but that doesn't make it any easier. He was pretty unconsolable the majority of the day. He wouldn't let me put him down and holding him was getting tiring. So I placed him in my Ergo Baby and made my rounds walking and bouncing around the house. FOR HOURS. At one point I had made laps around my house trying to keep him moving. The moment I sat down he would start crying. I attempted to be productive. I did the dishes, laundry, vacuumed, cleaned toilets, and did some general tidying. After that was done I saw on the clock it was only 11AM. SOMEONE SHOOT ME! I wanted to get out of my house and walk around a store, but knew he was just too fussy to take out into public. I didn't want anyone to come to my house, for fear of them contracting the cold that I'm still not sure he really has (green mucus, coughing, fussiness….calling it teething, but who knows?) I felt trapped in my own home. I attempted to distract him by playing but he would just smash his face in the carpet and cry. By 11:30 I knew it was going to be a long day. And it was. I wanted to just escape. Or bang my head against the wall. Tonight my back still hurts from toting him around all day. I don't know how I managed to keep myself going. At one point I just cried. I cried because I wanted what I didn't have anymore. EASE. Peace. I cried because it's my summer vacation off from being a teacher and I'm selfish about my independence and wanting to do what I want to do, like I do every summer vacation. Sleep in. Watch trash TV. Stuff my face. Go shopping. Have lunch with friends. Stay up really late. And do it all over again the next day.

Nothing is easy anymore.  I used to be able to decide on a whim I wanted to go to the mall.  I would let the dogs out to go potty, grab my keys, and walk out the door.  Now it takes me 20 minutes to leave. Repack the diaper bag, count my hours to figure out if it's time to feed Blake again, feed him, burp, clean up throw up, change diaper and/or clothes, strap him in the carseat, arrive at location, unlatch carseat, open stroller and place him in, bring along Ergo baby in case he cries and wants to be held, change diaper again at the mall, feed, entertain….shop? Everything requires 10 extra steps.  I'm pretty accustomed to it these days and it's all like second nature, but I can't help but remember it wasn't always like this.  On most days it doesn't phase me.  But it sure does on the rough ones!

I've had numerous days like this. Days where, admittedly, I just don't want to be a mom anymore. (Insert part where I convince negative readers how much I love my son.)


Yesterday I just wanted to throw in the towel and say "Here. Someone else take over."  I felt overwhelmed.  There were, what felt like, a thousand things I needed to accomplish and I couldn't do any of them.  These are the days I just want to drop my mic and go home. But, this is home. This is life.

These are the days where I question my mommy hood and wonder if I'm truly cut out for this. Maybe all those desires to want to be a mom were just society telling me that I was of motherly age and it was the natural thing to do.

As I was making laps around my house yesterday (couldn't go outside for a walk as it was raining) my mind began to wander about days before. You know, the simpler days. At the time they didn't seem simple, but they so were! Work, come home and spend time with hubby, have dinner, veg, go to bed. We'd spend our time in bed discussing what we wanted to do over the weekend.  My Sunday's were very well planned out back then. Church, coupon, grocery shop, clean. I loved Sundays!
What did I do with all that free time I had? It all seems like a distant memory now. Another life.  I want to crawl through a portal and just visit that place every once in a while. It isn't as if I don't want this life at all. But I want a break. Not just the kind of break where someone else takes my kid for the day, but the kind of break where I have my old life and my old thoughts, just for a day. Not a lifetime. Just one day every once in a while.

And I dismiss these thoughts because it seems so wrong. This is the kind of thing people are judged for. I'll give you an example.

When I posted in my moms group, one person in particular seemed appalled at my declaration. She said that she loved her child too much to ever have such thoughts and that if I felt this way then I should've given my child up for adoption. So cruel. For a moment I felt ashamed and wondered if I should delete my post completely, because may be I'm awful!

But, all other 40+ comments that I received were in complete agreement. That's when I knew I wasn't a horrible mom, that we're all just human, and everyone wants an escape once in a while.

You can escape many things in life. Don't like your house? Move. Not happy in your marriage? Divorce (not that I condone this of course) Hate your job? Find a new one. Don't like the shirt you're wearing? Donate it and buy a new one. Unhappy with the restaurant you just ate at? Leave and don't return. You can even file a complaint to the manager! Once you're a mom there's just no going back, even if you DO give up your child for adoption. Once a mom, always a mom.

I was standing in line at the Target check-out a few days ago and the woman behind me was raving about how cute Blake was. In his natural happy self, he was smiling and giggling at her. But he'd also had a rough night, and that was fresh in my mind, and I was quite tired. She said "Oh, enjoy these times. They really go by so quickly. My kids are all grown up." I grinned and agreed and told her that I was soaking up everything. I was thinking something else though. I wondered if she ever had the same thoughts I'm having.
I wonder if I'm going to say the same thing as this lady to another mom one day. And I wonder if I'd judge that mom if she turned to me and said "Did you really feel that way 10 years ago? Do you really mean that? Are you just glad you're out of this stage and are TRYING to make me feel like these are the best moments of my life? Because they're not. I'm tired and I want things to go back the way they were." I hope I would be understanding to that mom because these are my thoughts on some days.

When I say I wish things would go back to the way they were, I'm not even exactly sure what I'm referring to other than "before baby."

I was once a music lover. While I suppose that's something you don't lose, a love of music, I guess I've lost the luster, because I've lost a lot of time.

Yesterday during my baby-Ergo-bouncing hours, I tried to sing to Blake. At this point I was trying to entertain myself (and him of course) out of pure boredom.  I decided in my mind to put together a Top 5 list of my favorite songs. This time allowed me to relieve my music-crazed days and be in the now with my son.

In case you need a mommy break, here you go...
(In no particular order)

No One Knows-Queens of the Stone Age

In Your Atmosphere-John Mayer

Bittersweet Symphony-The Verve

Lover You Should've Come Over-Jeff Buckley

Across the Universe-The Beatles

I can't say it helped him.  I don't even know if it helped me.  Well, it helped me pass time.  But it only made me think about all those easy yesterdays. 

I'm not even going to lie. My favorite parts of the day consist of these two things: Waking Blake up because I've missed him while asleep. LOVE seeing his smiling face in the morning. He seriously lights up when I walk into his room. Sweetest thing EVER. Aaaand putting him to bed, because it means a few hours to myself or alone with my husband. Even with those two I mostly look forward to the moments to myself. (My husband works nights)

I'm here filing a mommy complaint.  I'd like that Easy button now. The escape. Time. Rest. The answer to keeping my child entertained for hours on end. The ability to make time go and pause when I want it to. The ability to tell my former self how hard this whole mom thing really is, and value every free moment, because I'd tell myself  this very simple statement. "Brittney, stop stressing about life. This is your Easy."

I like to think that would solve all this. That one piece of advice would change everything and cause me to never want to quit my mommy job for the day.  It's an evil desire that humans have. We always want more, more, more. More time. More things. More happiness.  It's like enough is never enough.  So I can sit here and say that by finding some magic way to communicate with my former self to tell me to enjoy what I have now that I would drastically alter my mindset. That if we could all do this then no mom would ever feel like escaping.  But the truth is, we would. There would always be something we wish we would've taken advantage of, or done, or not done.  In the future, the current me will want to return back to today because days in the future will be just as hard. I don't see it now, but I know that's how it'll be.  I'm going to think THESE days are easy compared to what's to come. It's a vicious cycle. 

EVERYONE NEEDS A BREAK. Even moms. No, ESPECIALLY moms. 
Yes, you.  

So here's my advice to my current self after two days of trying to write this, and talking to many other moms. 

This shit's normal. 

I'm not going to wear myself down when I have these thoughts. I'm not going to feel bad about it.  

Now, this kind of goes along with what I highly disagree with about our society.  That everyone is owed something, and everyone has done so-and-so to deserve xyz. You know what I mean…the guy who has worked his whole life and when close to retirement he buys a $70,000 sports car that he can't afford simply because he feels like he deserves it after all his hard work.  Or the woman who has had a really bad day at work and thinks she deserves something for this day that she's survived, so she goes out and spends money she doesn't have on purses, and clothes. 

I'm not saying I'm owed anything at all. Nothing material or monetary at least. I don't want anything for being a mom.  I have exactly what I want. Blake! 
May be every once in a while I want the freedom to be able to have my "Mommy Moment" (Ahem--complain) without being judged. 

I want my thoughts. My thoughts that let me escape to my yesterdays. The same thoughts that allow me to wish that it was all a bit easier. 

I do love being a mom. In every way. 
No matter the ease of my son's age, there are always going to be bad days where I'll want to get away. Just like I want to escape any other job I have.  

Life goes on.

Now I'm going to hug my baby boy!

Jar Head

Jar Head Mom. That's what you can call me now.  Not in the "Get down, Marine!" kind of way.  Think baby food.
The homemade baby food gig is not going well.  Maybe I'm an impatient person. Okay, no maybe.  I am.  I've stuck with the same foods like is suggested by everything I read, but he has not taken to them.  Every day I try, at least a few times, but it's such a fight.  He screams and only seems to want the bottle. I try not to force it, as I know that will only create a negativity about foods.

Well, on Thursday I am leaving for Mississippi to visit family and I'd rather not pack a cooler of homemade baby foods to take (and TRY).  It's just too much of a hassle.  I decided to purchase baby food for the trip in order to keep my attempts going as I'm away.  It was almost painful buying them at Target today.  I didn't want to spend the money. Homemade is so much less expensive!  Also, I was disappointed in the selection.  Target only sells Gerber!  Whatever. I bit the bullet, purchased them and came home.  I bought foods I've already made for him because I wanted to do a comparison.  On the menu: Sweet Potatoes and Carrots.  When I returned home it was time for him to eat, so I decided on a whim to try the Gerber. I was certain he was going to reject the sweet potatoes, just as he always does.  That means taking them, spitting them out, make a distasteful face, then proceeding to cry, and cry, and cry…and cry and staying tight lipped any time I try to insert more food. That is, until he has a bottle.
First bite came and he opened his mouth to take in the food, swallowed, then opened his mouth for more! Surprise!  I was happy, but I was also a little hurt by the fact that he didn't like MY sweet potatoes.  He devoured the entire 2.5oz in no time.
Then I thought of something.  Let it be known that I am NOT a good cook (I have many, many stories to prove this), so maybe Blake figured that out from the beginning. HA (But really, homemade baby food is a sinch.)
So, maybe I give up the homemade gig.  He's made his choice. ;)

Though I do want to find something that is more natural than Gerber, even though the front of the Gerber food says "Natural."  (Roll eyes: "natural" is trendy. I get it. But let's not slap something on there when it isn't entirely true)
I know there are other foods out there that are a better choice, I just don't know much about them.  I was so set on making his food that I didn't bother to do the research.  And since I only planned on buying food for this trip only, purchasing Gerber didn't bother me too much.  I just don't want to keep doing it longterm.  (This bit of info also coming from his pediatrician who said Gerber is amongst the worst to give them.)


This is also difficult for me because I've told so many that I'm making his food, despite the fact that he wasn't taking it well. I said I was going to keep trying and not give up.  Sigh.
So I guess this is my public confession that I'm leaving the world of homemade baby foods behind.  I'm disappointed in myself, but the ease of which he took the food spoke volumes.
Call me a quitter.

I know what some people are going to say, "I fed my baby Gerber and he turned out just fine." I understand that.  I was just so proud of myself that this was something I was doing that I knew was going to be healthy and good.  Something that was "natural".  I am the worst "natural" mom ever.
Others may be thinking "Just stick with it.  He'll take it eventually."  I guess I lack the stickwithitness.  Sometimes the effort is exhausting.  (This totally makes me sound selfish. Ugh.)

In order to make myself feel better about this entire situation, I decided to make an organizational list.  That always makes me feel better!
It's a "Baby's 1st Foods" checklist that I'm going to hang on the fridge to help me keep track of foods that Blake has tried, and reactions to such foods, if any.  I also incorporated the date since research suggests foods should be tried for days at a time and not skip around between foods in the beginning.

If you'd like to use this checklist you can download the PDF format here.

Rock on, baby-food-jar-moms! Let's be Jar Heads together!

 OOR-AH! <---said in my best, manly, deep, Marine voice

The Truth About Your Body After Pregnancy

Warning.  This will get personal.  Skip now if you know you don't want to know!


Let's get real here.

I'm probably one of the most modest people you will ever meet.  Even before pregnancy you wouldn't find me in a two-piece bathing suit.  If you've had a baby then you probably know exactly what I'm going to talk about based on the title.  If you've never had a baby then these might be things you're wondering about. I know I wondered them.  And the things I did know about I was certain wouldn't happen to me.  *Sigh* 

This isn't one of those posts where I talk about all my bodily changes after pregnancy and I sentimentally praise them and tell you that my kid enjoys my stomach jiggling and he belly laughs when he sees it.  Nope. I love my kid, but I do NOT love my post pregnancy body.  

This is just a post telling it like it is.  I'm working on returning to my girlish figure, but it seems there are some things that just don't go back.  

Like hips! Those birthing hips serve a purpose, but mine certainly don't seem to be going back.  

My hips are wider and I fit into ONE pair of pants post pregnancy.  Every other pair of shorts or pants are just hanging in my closet, awaiting a day that I'm not sure will arrive. (Here I am, revealing my secret and reason why I wear dresses and skirts…elastic waistband, people!)

Sometimes when I laugh really hard or I sneeze, I pee my pants a little.  I was certain people were just telling me this to freak me out.  Or I thought to myself "Yeah, right.  THAT'S not going to happen to me."  Well, it does.  And I feel like an 80-year old every time.  

My boobs are pathetic.  Not that they were ever really perky to begin with.  Pregnancy boobs are nice because they're firm, and you kind of hope that bit will stick around.  But it doesn't! So when pregnancy is over and you stop breastfeeding, they suddenly look like a deflated balloon after 10 days of just sitting around, forgotten in a corner.  They're squishy, and droopier than they once were.  No amount of working out or eating healthier is going to help them to return to yesterday.  Thank you to the inventor of the push-up bra! 

That pesky little linea negra - the dark line that runs from your bellow button down.  (And in my case, above my belly button, too). When it showed up on me during pregnancy I freaked out a little, but became used to seeing it.  I was sure it would disappear after Blake was born, or shortly thereafter.  It didn't.  Seven months later and it's still present.  Some have told me it can take up to a year to disappear.  Others have said it doesn't go away.  

Love handles.  Why the heck are they called love handles anyway?  There's nothing LOVEly about them. I certainly don't LOVE them.  I curse them every time I put on a shirt in the morning, or a bottom that's too tight…and they so "lovingly" hang off the sides of my clothes. 

Ohhhh, the lower stomach pooch!  Raise your hand if you love it?!  

And the excess fatty bits beneath your bra line? HA.  

There was a time when I was cold all the time. You'd most likely find me wearing a sweater, or at least carrying one, during summer months.  I rarely wore tank tops out because I knew there would be a chance I'd go somewhere that had the air cranked down too low and I'd find myself freezing.  Every morning I had my heater on in the car, even in the summer. (So not kidding!) I was a cover hog at night, and often got into "cover wars" with my husband from being so cold.  Post pregnancy? I sweat in the middle of the night.  I don't need to carry around a jacket everywhere.  I blast the air in my car as cold as I can get it, ESPECIALLY during the summer.  My hormones are whacko.  

And with whacko hormones suddenly I've developed acne again!  Not bad, but I did not have ANY issues before being pregnant.  Now I find I'm fighting back pimples all over again, just like I was in middle school.  

My hair was once oily. Now it's more dry. (In this I will admit I do prefer to have the dry hair)

I did manage to escape any and all stretch marks. I'm not even sure if it helped that I lathered myself in cocoa butter lotion several times a day.  I've heard you get them or you don't and nothing you do helps or hinders.  I don't know.  

Despite all of my post pregnancy body changes, yes, it was all worth it.  It's just a lot harder to get rid of a post pregnancy body, than it is to get rid of your changing body after you've eaten too many bags of chips and sodas.  I could work harder at it.  But I also don't think I'm ever going to get back to the way I was exactly.  

And you know, I bought these cute little JCrew shorts before I knew I was pregnant.  They still have the tags on them!  I WILL get back into them one of these days.  

I think I may need a hip reduction first, though.  

What post pregnancy body change do you have that have surprised you?