Looking Back. Looking Ahead.

In four weeks my "baby" will be 1 year old.  This last year seems like such a blur, for various reasons.  That thing called "life" happened, I blinked, and here I am.
Now, 10 months ago time was crawling, my exhaustion had gotten the best of me, the 5-6 hours of screaming drove Michael and I nearly mad, and I honestly didn't think I would survive.
Here I am in the present, I'm sitting on my sofa at the moment and if I glance to my left I have a flashback of myself (or Michael, depending on whose turn it was) sleeping on the sofa with a tiny baby Blake laying in front in the baby swing, rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm an unhappy infant.  At 3 in the morning, of course.  In front of me there was once a permanent home for the blue yoga ball, that rested between the television and the bookshelf when it wasn't being used bouncing Blake for 5 hours a day. (No, I'm not exaggerating.)  That yoga ball is now deflated upstairs laying in a closet, collecting dust.
Friends assured me "this too shall pass".
And it did.  I totally didn't believe you guys at the time, because I couldn't see past the 5 minutes that were slithering by. Hey, WE MADE IT!
Michael and I were reminiscing (hm, probably wrong word usage…)…recalling that hardship and were honestly smiling that we'd come out of it. And we didn't kill each other! (Oh, you other first time parents know what I mean.)  These days, we have our strong marriage back, just like before Blake came along.  Thankfully! Yes, we made it. The 3 of us. Together.


Today we have a happy boy in our midst. He seriously smiles and laughs all the time!  He's standing on his own and is just so close to walking.  In 3 weeks he will be transitioning to the toddler room in daycare, which his teachers tell me is a good thing because they say he's getting very bored in his infant room and is not interested in the other "infant" children, or the toys.  He spends his days rearranging the classroom by pushing baby cribs around, doing somersaults over furniture, pushing the walker around the room, and dancing to the music.  He isn't mean at all to other children, but also doesn't want much to do with them.
At home he loves to walk around the house with mommy and daddy (hand holding), climb up the stairs (with our supervision of course), and is very interested in all the cool, shiny things on daddy's police uniform.  Books are his "toys" of choice, or any thing that he can push around.  Changing his clothes or diaper means WWIII is happening in our house. I've tried everything, but you would think I am burning my kid with acid diapers when changing him! Oy.
Bathtime is a favorite, though he is learning a lesson of not to stand in the tub.  This came across quite clear yesterday when I gave him 3 chances where he stood and I plopped him back down explaining no, and by the 4th time he stood bath time was over and he lost his play time.  (Oh, I'm such a mean mommy….)
His favorite foods are bananas and cheese.
Least favorite foods are carrots, mangos and beans.
He's crazy about food and I'm convinced he'd probably eat the whole refrigerator if we let him.  Yet, he's in the average-low range for weight percentile. Funny how that works.
Tonight was the first night he had a huge dinner and went to bed without a bottle.  I knew the time was coming to transition him off his night time bottle, but tonight wasn't going to be that night.  I was going to wait.  I gave him the bottle and he refused it.  So he went to bed with a full tummy of big boy food (chicken, sweet potatoes, cheese, and apples with cinnamon), and now he's sleeping soundly in his bed.

What a difference a year makes.

Almost a year ago we had made trips to the ER due to severe projectile vomiting and full bouts of screaming from a dairy and soy allergy, and a diagnoses of GERD.

On the health end, currently, we are still on the Zantac.  Every time I back off from the medication we've had issues…spitting up, fussiness, severe cold symptoms.  His current dosage is 2.5mL twice a day, down from three times a day, so that's an improvement.
He's still on the Nutramigen formula, as we tried to make a switch but it didn't go so well.  Allergy in full swing.
I'm convinced Blake still has a dairy allergy, but he can seem to handle dairy in moderation.  If he's given too much dairy consecutively with meals, or days then he breaks out in hives or suddenly develops severe cold-like symptoms.  I'm assuming it's the dairy as it's been the constant.
I also believe he has a tomato allergy but I can't confirm this.

Two weeks ago we had a lovely battle with Hand, Food, and Mouth. After an initial wrong diagnoses from the doctor,  we had to go back for a second visit because daycare wouldnt let him return until we got the all-clear.  Second visit, different doctor, confirmed Hand, Foot, and Mouth.  It was something I'd suspected but dismissed after we were told no the first time, being told it was a severe food allergy.  Eh, it happens. Boy does it take a long time for those bumps to go away! He's still got leftover bumps on his legs.

So, back to the one year mark.  That means his first birthday party! We aren't doing anything extravagant.  I can't justify shelling out a ton of money on a birthday that he isn't going to remember.  (Not that there's anything wrong with those who do it.  I've been to some awesome 1st birthday parties, it's just not what we want to do personally.) We are having close friends and family over for a little get together to celebrate our little guy.  I do look forward to the day when he's old enough to really enjoy the time!

Blake is definitely at my favorite age so far, minus the diaper and clothes changing sessions, but I can deal.  This stage kinda makes me long for another one.  Having been raised an only child, I always wanted another sibling to play with.  So many of our friends have more than one and I see how cute they are together and I want that for us.  Well, truthfully I go back and forth on it. I mean, I have my days. But, for the most part I'm all in.  My husband isn't so much just because of what happened during my delivery. (Rather than retell, you can read about it here.)
He told me that if I went to my doctor and had a conversation about the likelihood of it all happening again then he would consider it.  Michael and I have talked about a 2nd child extensively and it boils down to the fact that he says he's afraid he'll lose me.  My argument was that this isn't the 1900's anymore and medicine has advanced.  His rebuttal: "Right, but if it WAS the 1900s you would've died."  To him, that's all he can think about.  Stubborn, that man. I feel like I can't argue because he's genuinely worried.
I visited my doctor last week to ask her if it could all happen again.
Her short answer was that it could, or it couldn't.  She said it's hard to know because in her 25 years of being an OBGYN she's only had 5 cases of this happen, with me being one of them.  If I were to get pregnant again I would immediately be placed on the high risk pregnancy radar and would have weekly appointments from the beginning to monitor.  They would have the blood transfusion ready at delivery, which wasn't ready last time since no one knew. Next time could result in a full hysterectomy after delivery if things go the same way or worse.
As a recap, everything that happened was caused from fibroids, placental abruption, placenta accrete, and my cervix ripping.
In two weeks I have an appointment for an ultrasound to see if the fibroids are still there and if there will need to be any extra steps beyond that.
After returning home and giving Michael the doctor recap, well, his mind didn't really change about having a 2nd child.

Pretty certain Blake is going to be an only child.  Nothing wrong with that. I can certainly respect Michael's reasoning.  My doctor was very understanding of Michael's feelings and said she understood him not wanting to have more, but said she would take every precaution if we changed our minds.

Who knows what the future holds.
On one hand, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't saddened that this may be it for us.  As it stands, I have all my woman parts in tact and there's always the possibility for more. To me that just means something. But if we have another and she has to do a full hysterectomy then that's it. The 3rd possibility is out.  Not that I'm saying I want a 3rd, but there's just something about that being taken away from you and feeling like that's your end. Like someone dangling a candy bar in your face. You don't really want it because you're full, but the moment the candy bar is snatched from your sight then you're suddenly hungry for it.
At least at the present I still feel like that inkling of the big family I used to want is still a twinkle just because all the parts are there…

On another hand, I don't know how I'd do it with a 2nd (or 3rd) child because I'm constantly juggling.  And just when I feel like I've caught up on everything I need to catch up on (laundry, dishes, answering emails, Master's degree shenanigans, lesson plans, photography editing) I stand in a corner and juggle air because these days I'm so used to going, going, going, that I don't know what to do with myself when I've caught up. (But, yes, here I am writing a blog entry. This has been my only downtime in weeks.  And I'm drinking coffee writing this. At 10:00 at night.  Oooops.  So much for catching up on sleep! HA!) Of course times are rare that I'm caught up on chores, or sleep, or life.
Translation: I need a rest.

Oh but that is SO a different blog entry!

In closing, the year has flown. Life is so different. Things went from
Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant. How did that happen? (Duh!)
to
Pregnancy is the best!
to
This is the hardest thing EVER
to
This is still the hardest thing EVER. Am I going to make it?
to
Oh, mommy hood is the BEST thing EVER.
Every day is wonderful and I can't believe how much my heart grows for Blake every second.  Just when I think my heart is full, he looks at me.

Happy (almost) 1 year my sweet, smiley boy!

Little Superman: Crib Climber

Well, the title and picture speak for themselves.  This picture was taken as Blake was playing in his Pack 'N Play though this is not where the "crib climbing" actually happened.  This picture was just evidence to show my husband after the "incident."
I laid Blake down for his 1:00 nap.  Let it be known that my child doesn't take naps, and when he does they are often between 20 and 30 minutes long, normally.  I keep the baby monitor close by and put the screen in sleep mode, so just the sound is going, as the video portion runs down the battery.  At 1:30 I turned the screen back on to check on him because the fact that his nap had gone over 20 minutes was surprising. I wanted to view for myself that he was still there. HA. You moms know what I'm talking about.  I can't be the only one who checks the video just to be sure my kid hasn't suddenly disappeared.
Picture the panic that struck me when I turned on the monitor and saw nothing but feet dangling in the corner of my 3 inch screen. I took a second look, threw down the monitor on the sofa (not just dropped, THREW, as if that was going to get me to move any faster), raced across the living room and kitchen, started up the stairs nearly ripping the baby gate off the wall, stomped my way through the loft and flew into Blake's room to find his stomach draped over the rails, feet dancing parallel to the crib, and his face staring at the floor, just moments away from falling over. Was he scared? Was he crying? No. He was laughing! I scooped him up and rocked him in my arms as my heart was still racing from a mixture of adrenalin and breathlessness. I can't tell you the time that passed between me throwing down the baby monitor and me holding Blake, but I feel like I couldn't reach him fast enough.  Like a nightmare in slow motion, many thoughts went through my head during my sprint.  I braced myself for the thud I was sure I was about to hear.  So many thoughts ran through me "What do I do if I go in and he's fallen over? Call 911 right away? Wait to see if he's okay?  Oh, I left my phone downstairs. Dear God, please let him be okay." [barge into his room] "AGH! He's about to fa……..why is my kid laughing?" Commence sighs of relief, lots of baby cuddling, pure confusion over the whole situation, baby lecture (yes, to my 10 month old), bed inspection (how did he manage this?), and my final words as Blake stared at me and slapped his hands on my face (his favorite thing to do now) "Oh, you're going to be just like your daddy." Translation: Troublemaker. Mischievous. Adventurer. (Thank you to my in-laws for all the young Michael stories. We are in for it!)

Unsure of what to do about this and afraid it may happen again, I phoned some mommy friends for advice.  Naturally I think the next step from this is toddler bed but at 10 months he's no where near being a toddler.  Hence my uncertainty on how to handle this when his mattress is already on the lowest setting. All were a little surprised that he was trying to (almost successfully) climb out of his crib at 10 months old.  Here's some advice I received from friends and Google.

• Take the bumpers out, in case he used those as stairs. 
• Take any toys out of the crib so he can't climb on them to gain height.
• Put him in a toddler bed.
• Put a mattress on the floor. 
• Try to keep an eye on him and lightly discipline him when he tries to climb over by telling him no.
• Crib tent.

For now I decided to try taking the bumpers out.  I'm a little uncomfortable with doing this simply because he thrashes around at night and I'm nervous he's going to hit his head. Though, as a friend pointed out, hitting his head on the rail is better than him falling out of the crib and hitting it on the floor. We will see how things go tonight and in the morning.  Not sure I'm going to get much sleep tonight though! I did some research on the crib tents and saw a lot of safety hazards. Safety Research & Strategies , INC.

I'm hoping this was just an isolated incident, however, judging by increased mobility these past few days I feel as if he's interested in feeling out the gravitational pull from crib to floor…more than once!

After this crib incident, we spent some time playing together in the living room and he decided to try his hand at pushing around a box across the floor….WALKING. Ay-yi-yi.

It's all happening too fast! 

I will GLADLY take suggestions from anyone who can help me out. Unfortunately when I googled "10 month old crawling out of crib" there just wasn't a lot available. I guess this is most common in children over 12 months?  I don't know.  

I feel so lost on how to keep him safe! 

You're Gonna Wish These Days Hadn't Gone by so Sast

Last night at 10:30 I walked upstairs, pulled my son out of his crib and cuddled him while rocking.  I risked waking him up but I honestly didn't care. He slept in my arms, with his arms wrapped around my neck.  His head was sweetly nestled on my shoulder.  I rocked him, and I cried.  I'm not really sure why I cried, but I guess the only thing I can put into words is that I cried because I love him so much.

Tonight I am feeling nostalgic for the phase that Blake is currently in, for the time that I have now, that I do not yet miss but know that someday I will.  As I was sitting on the sofa tonight I had a flash forward of Blake being all grown up, coming home from high school, throwing his backpack on the floor and rummaging through the fridge.  I know it'll all be here before I know.

People always say "Enjoy this.  They grow up so fast."  People say it so much that I kinda get tired of hearing it.  But, it's really true.  These (almost) 7 months have whizzed by. Sometimes I feel like I was pregnant just yesterday.

Because he's growing so fast, and I already know I'm going to miss everything about him, I'm vowing to take more time with him and cherish the little things. Some would call me crazy for doing some of the things I do, but judge me.  I don't care.

Sometimes I wake him up whenever I want to and cuddle him, no matter how asleep he is.  I'm his mom, and I know how to easily get him back to sleep. But he won't be this little forever, so I need to get my cuddles in now. Someday he'll want to punch me in the face for waking him up in the middle of the night.  (That's' what I'd do to someone, at least!)

Despite the fact that he's fully sleep trained and can entertain himself in his bed until he falls asleep, I still let him fall asleep on me every once in a while, just so I can hold and snuggle him. One day he's not going to want mommy to hold him while he falls asleep. Instead, he'll be talking to his girlfriend on the phone.  I know this.

My house is a wreck, but it doesn't have to look perfect anymore.  Rather than sticking Blake somewhere to entertain himself so I can clean, I sit on the floor and play with him myself.  There will come a time when he'll only want to play with his friends, and not me anymore.  I know this.

I take way too many pictures, of which many I post online for the world to see. Still, there are many I don't post because I'm pretty sure if I did then people would stop following me on Facebook. I take so many because he changes so much, it seems, from day to day and I never want to forget what he looks like at each stage in his life.  That, and everything he does is adorable and I feel the need to capture it.


In the span of one week Blake made his way on all fours and made beginning motions of crawling, pulled himself up to stand while holding onto the ottoman, used his high chair for the first time, and sat up in the bathtub without the infant sling.  Too much for me to handle at once! STOP THIS TRAIN! (Yes, I'm channeling John Mayer.) How can this be happening so soon, and so close together?

It seems depressing that I'm thinking about all of this, but I'm trying so hard to soak it all in and not miss a beat.  It can be hard enough being a working mom and not having the opportunity to "be there" for every little thing he does.

I just need to slow down time.  My obsession with Time Travel needs to come to fruition so I can just travel back to this moment whenever I like!

So, the million dollar question? How do I slow this down?  How can I enjoy this time more?  I don't want to look back and wish I'd done something that I could be missing now.  I already know I'm going to miss this, and it's right here in front of my face.

You can totally say it.  "Brittney, you're weird, and irrational." It's fine. I hear it all the time!

I guess the cool thing is, not only do I have pictures and videos, but I also have this blog to reflect on.  One day I can even look back on this post, you know, when he comes home from school and throws his backpack on the floor and rushes to the fridge, and I'll have a deja-vu and hopefully I'll remember this moment.
This moment when I walked upstairs and took him out of bed, again, to snuggle him.  Yep, that's what I'm going to do right now! I'll try not to cry tonight though.