Christmas In July: A Christmas List

I like to begin my Christmas shopping early in the year, usually around July.  This is so our family doesn't end up spending a large amount of money at one time trying to last minute shop.  Spreading it out over five months has worked well for us financially the past few years.
This will be our first Christmas with Blake. Actually, let me rephrase--this will be our first Christmas actually celebrating with Blake in a big way.  (Due to my pregnancy and delivery, we didn't do much for Christmas last year.  By the time Christmas came around I had just healed well enough to enjoy the time.  Shopping was never in the cards for me.  You can read my SPECIAL Delivery post here.)

I've thought a lot about what to get Blake for his first (to us) big Christmas. He'll be 1 year, 2 months and I really think he's going to be old enough to get excited!  I've studied him to find out what he truly likes, and I've done some research on the best developmental toys for kids.  After research (what did we ever do without Google?), it seems the best toys appropriate for a 1 year old are things like blocks, books, nesting dolls, toy cell phones, shape sorters, push toys, and generally anything that's loud (and annoying).

I try my best to be hands off when he's playing, to allow him to explore things on his own and to figure how how to operate what ever he's playing with.  He's very curious, as I imagine most children are.  To begin, he's wracked up a pretty good amount of toys thanks to gifts from others.  You know, everybody loves a new baby in the family, and loves to spoil them! If there's one thing I've noticed about Blake, it's that he's just not that in to toys.  Maybe this is normal?  He plays with something for about 2.5 seconds, and will then scurry off to find something that is assuredly a non-toy item but quickly becomes one when he gets his hands on it.  Or, until mommy pulls him away.

I kind of feel like I don't want to spend the money on the toys that he's not really going to enjoy, at the moment at least.  Besides, he already has the aforementioned "1 year-age-approproate-toys".  I'm certain I could donate 98% of what he has and he'd never miss them.  Books, now, that's a different story. Kid looooooves his books! I had the shelves in his room arranged where the books were on the bottom and the toys on top and he would ALWAYS crawl to the books.  So, I mixed it up and switched the books to the top and placed the toys on bottom. What did he do?  Lifted himself up to the books, never giving the toys the time of day.  I've tried pulling the toys out for him and scattering them along the floor. Nope.

I can't just get him books for Christmas.  Soooooooooo, there are many other things that he WILL play with.  They just aren't the traditional baby play items. 

Enter.

Blake's 2014 Christmas Shopping List
1) Books.  I can't deprive him of something new that he clearly loves so much. 

2) His very own dog bowl.  Why not?  I cannot put him on the floor in the living room without him crawling to the kitchen to get Elway's bowl.  I even put both dog bowls on the counter one day and he plopped himself on the floor and just STARED up at them, like he was in a trance! All he does is push the bowls around the kitchen and has himself a jolly time.

3) Empty (Target) diaper box.  I'm pretty amazed at how entertained he is by "the box."  He flips it over. Puts his head in it. Scoots it up and down the hallway. And of course chews on the flaps.  This is a great gift because it's a 2 for 1 for me.  I buy diapers AND get a gift out of it. 

4) Laser light.  Come on, have you ever seen a kid chasing the red light on the floor?  HILARIOUS.  Like a cat! (Is that mean?) So fun for them, entertaining for you. It's a win, win! (Not recommending giving a child the light.  Parent operator of course.)

5) Wallet with a lot of random pieces of paper/old cards stuffed in them.  I know my kid isn't the only one who "tries to pay" when I'm checking out at the store. 

6) Keys. REAL keys. Toy keys just don't do it.  He could care less about the bright colored nubby toy keys that make fake car sounds. Do these toy companies really think the kids don't SEE and TASTE the difference? And, you know, my kid's pretty much a genius so OF COURSE he can tell the two a part.

7) Knob wall. I'm going to have my husband buy a large board at Lowe's and screw in a bunch of random knobs and pulls all over it. Blake can tug, pull, and twist these all day long without me telling him no, or being blocked my safety pulls.

8) Blake Shelton for the day.  Oh wait, that's for me……..

9) No, #8) His very own Blake Shelton play list. We have an iHome in his bedroom to play music, and seriously, Blake Shelton does calm him down most times.

9) A life-sized stuffed animal of Elway. I say this because Blake is in love and fascinated with Elway, but Elway is not fond of him.  Not that he's aggressive in any way toward him, he just tries to stay away from him and quickly moves away when Blake tries to pet or cuddle him. Despite, little many loves his big puppy!

10) Ten more sleep sheeps, because if anything ever happens to this sheep sleep I'm not sure Blake could make it through the night. We need back-ups!

11) Jewelry.  Not to wear. Yes, I know he's a boy.  He's always grabbing at mine so maybe having his own sparklies will stop this. Think so?  Naaaah. (We'll skip this one. My husband would kill me anyway)
Let's try this again…

11) Remote control. Again, a REAL remote control. Not some toy version that doesn't actually look any thing like the real thing!

12) A pair of new, clean shoes that he never crawls on or walks on, but is only to be worn on occasions when he wants to chew on the shoes he's wearing.  So, when I see him grabbing his foot and trying to chew on any shoe, I can quickly switch them out for the pair that is not dripping in grossness.  (Note: I'm pretty laid back when it comes to germ exposure, but the bottom of a shoe is just too much for me. ICK.)

13) Mommy's face on a stick. To be used by any one who will be holding or taking care of him when I'm out of the room or building. If you are my child's Sunday school teacher or daycare worker then you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! He's in mommy-attachment mode right now.  STEER CLEAR!  Your only hope is face on a stick.

14) "Apples and Bananas" song on repeat any time I want to watch him smile and giggle.  He's so happy when I sing this to him!  Anyone have a recording studio I could use for the day to record my first single?

15) Singing lessons for mommy for the above mentioned.  This sounds like it's a "ME" gift, but TRUST ME, it's assuredly for Blake.  Have you HEARD me sing???

16) A face. Yes, that's what I said.  Mannequin face? Something he can scratch, claw, pull on the nose, and lick all day long. (And every once in a while, spit up on, too.)

17) An iPhone-that-isn't-really-an-iPhone-but-looks-EXACTLY-like-one….but it's a toy. I know this doesn't exist. I bought him a Fisher Price TOY that resembles an iPhone and he doesn't want much to do with it.  Sigh. 

18) And last, but certainly never least, a daddy-clone. Or a life sized poster of daddy will do.  May be we can get one of those Fat Head ones.  He has to work a lot, and now that he's on nights, we don't get to see him much. I know Mr. B misses his Papa. 

With it nearing August and school beginning just around the corner (And every teacher just *sighed*), I better get a move on with this Christmas list. 
I'll take some help with numbers 5-wallet (for a money donation, of course. To his, um, college fund), 6-keys (one way to get a real set of keys is to get a new car, after all), 8-BLAKE SHELTON (Blake Shelton hook-ups anyone [no pun intended]), 9-Life size Elway (Taxidermy? JUST KIDDING! I LOVE YOU ELWAY!), 11-jewelry (Do I really need to say anything here? Suuuuure, I'll give it to Blake), and 15-recording studio (studio? guitar player? And someone who could enhance my lovely vocals. I'd like to sound like Celine Dion).

Ho, Ho, Ho!

Wishing On Easy: A Mommy Moment

I've wrestled a lot with this post. How to begin. What exactly to write. What to say. What to admit. What not to mention. I've sat at my computer for 2 days wanting so badly to just get it out.

Then, I was encouraged by a supportive and lovely group of moms on a Facebook group that I'm a member of after I said this:

I hope I'm not the only mom who on somedays just wishes she wasn't a mom….There are days I just wish things could go back to easy.


Easy. Is anything easy any more? Marriage, work, school, buying a house. Heck, even picking out my clothes every morning isn't easy. (Personal problem. I'm indecisive.) Simply, life isn't easy. Raising a child definitely isn't easy, and it wasn't meant to be. I get it. With all the added "life" pressure, raising a child can sometimes send one over their threshold. Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I think Blake is teething. Or he has a cold. Or both. Kids get sick, and it happens. My child isn't the only one, but that doesn't make it any easier. He was pretty unconsolable the majority of the day. He wouldn't let me put him down and holding him was getting tiring. So I placed him in my Ergo Baby and made my rounds walking and bouncing around the house. FOR HOURS. At one point I had made laps around my house trying to keep him moving. The moment I sat down he would start crying. I attempted to be productive. I did the dishes, laundry, vacuumed, cleaned toilets, and did some general tidying. After that was done I saw on the clock it was only 11AM. SOMEONE SHOOT ME! I wanted to get out of my house and walk around a store, but knew he was just too fussy to take out into public. I didn't want anyone to come to my house, for fear of them contracting the cold that I'm still not sure he really has (green mucus, coughing, fussiness….calling it teething, but who knows?) I felt trapped in my own home. I attempted to distract him by playing but he would just smash his face in the carpet and cry. By 11:30 I knew it was going to be a long day. And it was. I wanted to just escape. Or bang my head against the wall. Tonight my back still hurts from toting him around all day. I don't know how I managed to keep myself going. At one point I just cried. I cried because I wanted what I didn't have anymore. EASE. Peace. I cried because it's my summer vacation off from being a teacher and I'm selfish about my independence and wanting to do what I want to do, like I do every summer vacation. Sleep in. Watch trash TV. Stuff my face. Go shopping. Have lunch with friends. Stay up really late. And do it all over again the next day.

Nothing is easy anymore.  I used to be able to decide on a whim I wanted to go to the mall.  I would let the dogs out to go potty, grab my keys, and walk out the door.  Now it takes me 20 minutes to leave. Repack the diaper bag, count my hours to figure out if it's time to feed Blake again, feed him, burp, clean up throw up, change diaper and/or clothes, strap him in the carseat, arrive at location, unlatch carseat, open stroller and place him in, bring along Ergo baby in case he cries and wants to be held, change diaper again at the mall, feed, entertain….shop? Everything requires 10 extra steps.  I'm pretty accustomed to it these days and it's all like second nature, but I can't help but remember it wasn't always like this.  On most days it doesn't phase me.  But it sure does on the rough ones!

I've had numerous days like this. Days where, admittedly, I just don't want to be a mom anymore. (Insert part where I convince negative readers how much I love my son.)


Yesterday I just wanted to throw in the towel and say "Here. Someone else take over."  I felt overwhelmed.  There were, what felt like, a thousand things I needed to accomplish and I couldn't do any of them.  These are the days I just want to drop my mic and go home. But, this is home. This is life.

These are the days where I question my mommy hood and wonder if I'm truly cut out for this. Maybe all those desires to want to be a mom were just society telling me that I was of motherly age and it was the natural thing to do.

As I was making laps around my house yesterday (couldn't go outside for a walk as it was raining) my mind began to wander about days before. You know, the simpler days. At the time they didn't seem simple, but they so were! Work, come home and spend time with hubby, have dinner, veg, go to bed. We'd spend our time in bed discussing what we wanted to do over the weekend.  My Sunday's were very well planned out back then. Church, coupon, grocery shop, clean. I loved Sundays!
What did I do with all that free time I had? It all seems like a distant memory now. Another life.  I want to crawl through a portal and just visit that place every once in a while. It isn't as if I don't want this life at all. But I want a break. Not just the kind of break where someone else takes my kid for the day, but the kind of break where I have my old life and my old thoughts, just for a day. Not a lifetime. Just one day every once in a while.

And I dismiss these thoughts because it seems so wrong. This is the kind of thing people are judged for. I'll give you an example.

When I posted in my moms group, one person in particular seemed appalled at my declaration. She said that she loved her child too much to ever have such thoughts and that if I felt this way then I should've given my child up for adoption. So cruel. For a moment I felt ashamed and wondered if I should delete my post completely, because may be I'm awful!

But, all other 40+ comments that I received were in complete agreement. That's when I knew I wasn't a horrible mom, that we're all just human, and everyone wants an escape once in a while.

You can escape many things in life. Don't like your house? Move. Not happy in your marriage? Divorce (not that I condone this of course) Hate your job? Find a new one. Don't like the shirt you're wearing? Donate it and buy a new one. Unhappy with the restaurant you just ate at? Leave and don't return. You can even file a complaint to the manager! Once you're a mom there's just no going back, even if you DO give up your child for adoption. Once a mom, always a mom.

I was standing in line at the Target check-out a few days ago and the woman behind me was raving about how cute Blake was. In his natural happy self, he was smiling and giggling at her. But he'd also had a rough night, and that was fresh in my mind, and I was quite tired. She said "Oh, enjoy these times. They really go by so quickly. My kids are all grown up." I grinned and agreed and told her that I was soaking up everything. I was thinking something else though. I wondered if she ever had the same thoughts I'm having.
I wonder if I'm going to say the same thing as this lady to another mom one day. And I wonder if I'd judge that mom if she turned to me and said "Did you really feel that way 10 years ago? Do you really mean that? Are you just glad you're out of this stage and are TRYING to make me feel like these are the best moments of my life? Because they're not. I'm tired and I want things to go back the way they were." I hope I would be understanding to that mom because these are my thoughts on some days.

When I say I wish things would go back to the way they were, I'm not even exactly sure what I'm referring to other than "before baby."

I was once a music lover. While I suppose that's something you don't lose, a love of music, I guess I've lost the luster, because I've lost a lot of time.

Yesterday during my baby-Ergo-bouncing hours, I tried to sing to Blake. At this point I was trying to entertain myself (and him of course) out of pure boredom.  I decided in my mind to put together a Top 5 list of my favorite songs. This time allowed me to relieve my music-crazed days and be in the now with my son.

In case you need a mommy break, here you go...
(In no particular order)

No One Knows-Queens of the Stone Age

In Your Atmosphere-John Mayer

Bittersweet Symphony-The Verve

Lover You Should've Come Over-Jeff Buckley

Across the Universe-The Beatles

I can't say it helped him.  I don't even know if it helped me.  Well, it helped me pass time.  But it only made me think about all those easy yesterdays. 

I'm not even going to lie. My favorite parts of the day consist of these two things: Waking Blake up because I've missed him while asleep. LOVE seeing his smiling face in the morning. He seriously lights up when I walk into his room. Sweetest thing EVER. Aaaand putting him to bed, because it means a few hours to myself or alone with my husband. Even with those two I mostly look forward to the moments to myself. (My husband works nights)

I'm here filing a mommy complaint.  I'd like that Easy button now. The escape. Time. Rest. The answer to keeping my child entertained for hours on end. The ability to make time go and pause when I want it to. The ability to tell my former self how hard this whole mom thing really is, and value every free moment, because I'd tell myself  this very simple statement. "Brittney, stop stressing about life. This is your Easy."

I like to think that would solve all this. That one piece of advice would change everything and cause me to never want to quit my mommy job for the day.  It's an evil desire that humans have. We always want more, more, more. More time. More things. More happiness.  It's like enough is never enough.  So I can sit here and say that by finding some magic way to communicate with my former self to tell me to enjoy what I have now that I would drastically alter my mindset. That if we could all do this then no mom would ever feel like escaping.  But the truth is, we would. There would always be something we wish we would've taken advantage of, or done, or not done.  In the future, the current me will want to return back to today because days in the future will be just as hard. I don't see it now, but I know that's how it'll be.  I'm going to think THESE days are easy compared to what's to come. It's a vicious cycle. 

EVERYONE NEEDS A BREAK. Even moms. No, ESPECIALLY moms. 
Yes, you.  

So here's my advice to my current self after two days of trying to write this, and talking to many other moms. 

This shit's normal. 

I'm not going to wear myself down when I have these thoughts. I'm not going to feel bad about it.  

Now, this kind of goes along with what I highly disagree with about our society.  That everyone is owed something, and everyone has done so-and-so to deserve xyz. You know what I mean…the guy who has worked his whole life and when close to retirement he buys a $70,000 sports car that he can't afford simply because he feels like he deserves it after all his hard work.  Or the woman who has had a really bad day at work and thinks she deserves something for this day that she's survived, so she goes out and spends money she doesn't have on purses, and clothes. 

I'm not saying I'm owed anything at all. Nothing material or monetary at least. I don't want anything for being a mom.  I have exactly what I want. Blake! 
May be every once in a while I want the freedom to be able to have my "Mommy Moment" (Ahem--complain) without being judged. 

I want my thoughts. My thoughts that let me escape to my yesterdays. The same thoughts that allow me to wish that it was all a bit easier. 

I do love being a mom. In every way. 
No matter the ease of my son's age, there are always going to be bad days where I'll want to get away. Just like I want to escape any other job I have.  

Life goes on.

Now I'm going to hug my baby boy!