I Survived My First Three Months of Motherhood

Three Month Mommy Survival "Kit"
-Doctor on speed dial
-A good set of swaddles
-eReader for those middle of the night feedings
-Coffee (even if you don't like it)
-A house maid.  Yes, we broke down and got one.  Awesomeness!
-Yoga ball
-A mom who will rescue you when you need a break
-A supportive husband who will clean and wash bottles
-A guest bedroom next door to the nursery (when you have a 2 story house this comes in handy)
-Chocolate
-328,420 baby blankets
-Stuffed animals (for throwing, of course)
-Friends who will pray for you when you're feeling your worst
-Lots of hugs and kisses to give out ;)
-And last but certainly not least, God.

Blake was born three months ago today.  I feel like I'm a part of the "I survived the first few months of motherhood" club.  Does that exist? Because if not, then I just made one up.  If you're a mom, you're in the club now too.

I look back and it all seems like a big blur. I'm sure I can blame this on exhaustion.  Maybe God plans it that way because he doesn't want you to remember how bad things can really be.  Kind of how babies don't remember being babies. What a blessing that is.
It seems like a blur, yet I remember it well.  I realize there's not much sense in that but there it is.  People told me that things would get easier. It's good advice, but I felt like those voices of people talking to me were muffled and talking to me 50 miles away.  Things were too rough to look that far into the future to view the silver lining.

I still have my tantrum moments.  I almost wrote a blog post about it last night but thought I was just in the wrong frame of mind to be writing because my post would've looked something like this…

23QUIWEFLWAJF!!!!!!!!!  WTF!!????  34Q902RJFAWJF! FJJF!!!!!!!!!!!!!????? ????????? ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! $H!T
Yep, a bunch of mumbo jumbo for the jelly that was spilling into my brain. I felt useless last night because I was so tired.  I was angry.  I was mostly angry at myself for letting myself get angry. Ha! Try to make sense of THAT.  I was back to the good old days of bouncing on the yoga ball at 3am. When that failed, I strapped him in his carseat and drove around town to get him to fall asleep.  I was so tired that I got in the car with a t-shirt, my robe (no pants), no shoes, and forgot my purse.  Ugh. There was an officer running radar.  Thankfully I was going the speed limit. THAT would've been embarrassing.  He screamed in the car.  So, I did what I seem to do best during those moments…..I screamed too.  Sometimes I feel like the worst mom on the planet.
I talked to God as I drove down the road and asked him why he gave Blake to me, because sometimes I feel like he doesn't deserve me as his mom.  I feel like there are so many other awesome moms out there who don't lose their shit like I do sometimes.  I ended up driving past my grandparents' house, the house I grew up in, and that's when I heard God say "He's right where he needs to be."  I don't know what that means, or why, but I'm every bit thankful to have Blake.  I just feel like such a failure sometimes.


So I cried all the way until I pulled into my driveway.  I cried carrying him up the stairs to place him in his crib, as he was sound asleep.
This doesn't happen as frequently as it used to, but I get so upset with myself for allowing myself to get that way.
Last night was a good reminder of how it used to be…

His GERD has been acting up the past few days. I think it's time for his dosage to be increased, because the dosage is based on height and weight and he's grown within the last 4 weeks.  So, I was up from 1am-5am with him.  That, and we're nearly certain he's teething. Excessive drooling, chewing on his hands, fussiness.  I really want to purchase one of those amber teething necklaces but he hasn't yet learned to hold onto anything, so I don't think it would serve any purpose at the moment.
Still hoping he grows out of this, but until then it seems we are going to have our ups and downs as he grows and we play with the dosage.

It has been difficult returning to work. Before when he was up I could bank on the fact that I could get my rest the next day when he was sleeping.  Can't happen anymore.  I took off work today and my mom watched Blake while I slept.  I was so tired from staying up that I had a terrible headache.

Celebratory moment, colic is over! Thank you Jesus. Aaaaaand that's all I have to say about that.

 I really do want to end by saying that things are worlds better than they were. (Despite this being one of THOSE posts.)
And to all the new moms out there, or moms to be,  please do believe me when I say that things really do get better.  You may want to punch me in the face right now for saying that (I know I felt that way sometimes when others said it), but it really is every bit true.
I'm not naive though. I know there are still going to be good days and bad.  And babies are constantly growing and experiencing aches and pains.  I know.
Maybe one day when he's 2 years old we can throw a tantrum together and I'll remove myself from being a parent for the moment and enjoy throwing myself on the floor right along with him.  And then one day we can just laugh about it all because I'll look back and think myself ridiculous for being the big baby around my baby.

He's sleeping right now and I'm watching him on the baby monitor.  He melts my heart.  I could literally watch him sleep for hours.  I sang this song to him the other night as he fell asleep in my arms.

So Mr. Blake, looks like you're stuck with me for a mom. God said so.  I wish I could be perfect for you, but since I know that can't happen, I can promise to love every part of you, every moment, of every day, from now until forever.
You and me, Kid.  Oh, and daddy too. He's pretty great to have around so we'll keep him.